I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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