Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
