just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
