just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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