New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
