my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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