well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
