Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
do nipples grow back?
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