Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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