Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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