from now on my penis is your penis
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
