Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
