you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize