she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
