You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I believe in your delicious
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
