she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
