while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
