Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
