i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
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