He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize