my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
i've created a new STD.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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