so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
