If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
zippers are such a cool invention
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
