i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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