Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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