Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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