I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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