It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
