I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
