I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
