I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
