we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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