he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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