omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
