I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
