I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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