Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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