I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
