Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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