i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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