so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
