no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
