Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
