just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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