Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
