I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize