he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
please come you make the beer taste better
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
false alarm, still single
Randomize
