Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
