I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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