I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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