Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
