Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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