I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
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