i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
