Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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