High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
