i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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