look no pants
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
