this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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