I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
This baby is an asshole
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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