and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
BRING THE BAGELS
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
