Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
