I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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